“I am down again,
since reading Osamu Dazai;
No matter who I talk to,
they don’t care about the meaning of death.

The world is crumbling,
we are beyond saving.
I wish the wind would take me away somewhere
to begin again.”

- My Little Airport’s “Song of sadness and frustration”

The familiar tune from My Little Airport fills my earphones.

I had been waiting for the bus for almost an hour. The sun was blazing in the afternoon, but now the air has cooled off. The queue at the bus stop had grown thinner. There were new hopefuls joining, but many more gave up and hopped on taxis instead.

Someone tapped abruptly on my shoulder. I reluctantly lowered the music volume and took off my earphones.

“I’ve been waiting here for over an hour. I see that you are Chinese too, shall we get a taxi back together?” He said.

I looked down at my outfit – black t-shirt, black pants, and a yellow umbrella. Momentarily lost for words at how he could have mistaken me as a companion, I eventually told him we would not be going the same path, and asked him to wait for a bit longer. He turned and walked away.

“ I am Scottish, not English, where are you from?”

An old man came around, holding an empty Ferrero Rocher box, telling everyone how much he liked the box.

Initially, I was a bit worried if he was in his right mind. But when I looked at his empty box, I couldn’t help but heave a sigh inside; how different is what I do in the UK compared to what he is doing?

The queue at the bus stop started to grumble – another bus drove past with the “Sorry not in service” sign. According to the bus app, the next bus will come 10 minutes later. After 10 minutes, an update informed us to wait for yet another 10 minutes…

As a Hongkonger who had been through the events in 2019, I have gotten used to bus stops without buses. MTR stations without trains.

When I look at it another way, if I never have hopes that the bus will come, then I will never be disappointed. Or maybe I have never been waiting for the bus, but just want a companion to wait together with me. Or maybe I’m just waiting for dawn to break, a new day to come for Hongkongers.

Or maybe, I’m just waiting for death to come.

「我又有心事 自從看了太宰治
我問誰 誰都不會在意死亡的意義
世界像似崩裂 我倆都無可救治
我但求 乘風飛到別處再重新開始...」

- 歌詞出自My Little Airport《失落沮喪歌》

耳機傳嚟My Little Airport 熟識嘅歌聲。

我等咗差唔多一個鐘巴士。晏晝嗰陣明明好熱，依家已經冷卻曬。車站嘅人漸漸稀少，雖然有新加入嘅人，但亦有好多人放棄咗繼續等落去，搭的士走咗。

突然間，有人拍我膊頭。我被逼降低耳機音量，除低耳機，不情願地同陌生人展開對話。

“我等咗超過一個鐘了，我見你都係中國人，不如一齊搭的士返去？” 佢話。

我望住自己一身黑衫手執黃遮，對佢咁都可以認錯人感到有啲無奈，同佢講我哋應該唔會同路，叫佢再等下啦，之後佢就轉身，走咗。

“ I am Scottish, not English, where are you from?”

又有個伯伯同我講野，手上拎住一盒空嘅金莎，周圍同人講佢好鍾意個盒。

起初有啲驚佢係白卡，但係當我望住佢嗰個空盒，突然覺得有啲唏噓。其實我自己係英國做緊嘅嘢，本質上同佢嘅行為究竟有幾大分別呢？

車站嘅人開始鼓燥，尤其係一架架寫住sorry not in service 嘅巴士經過嗰時。個巴士app寫住十分鐘後會有車，十分鐘過咗，又會update話要再等多十分鐘。。。

其實身為香港人，已經習慣咗巴士站無巴士，黨鐵無車。

或者換個心態，從來都唔期望巴士會嚟，咪唔洗咁失望囉。或者其實我根本唔係等緊巴士，只係等緊一個同路人，同我一齊等，又或者我等緊嘅，係黎明來到，開始新一日嘅工作。。。

又或者，我只係等緊死。